I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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