He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
