Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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