he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
