Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
