I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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