you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
