halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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