peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
