He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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