What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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