An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
