In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken