I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.