Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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