filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
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they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"