After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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