so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
