the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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