I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
