Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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