I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
