I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
