why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
false alarm. still invincible.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
