you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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