Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
