don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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