I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
