I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
