Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
