I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
