your parents love me but you hate me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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