I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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