I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
