I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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