I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
