I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.