On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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