I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
