after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
