so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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