Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
