so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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