Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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