My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
