There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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