I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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