if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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