the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
