I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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