Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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