i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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