You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
