When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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