I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
