My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
