so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
