I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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