they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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