the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
