My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
not ubering you a puppy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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