Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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